So.. You’re single. You’ve always been single. You’ve never been able to get a girlfriend so that’s why you’ve come to me – a relationship guru. I’ve worked in the matchmaking business a long time, I’m brilliant at this, I can find anybody a date. But I’ve never met anyone quite like you and I have actually come to a conclusion: you are, in fact, undateable. You are repulsively ugly for starters and have an awful dress sense. You’ve been saving for years to pay for my services because as you know I’m not cheap and now you’ve no money left. I mean, an ugly guy can at least get a somewhat ave...

So.. You’re single. You’ve always been single. You’ve never been able to get a girlfriend so that’s why you’ve come to me – a relationship guru. I’ve worked in the matchmaking business a long time, I’m brilliant at this, I can find anybody a date. But I’ve never met anyone quite like you and I have actually come to a conclusion: you are, in fact, undateable. You are repulsively ugly for starters and have an awful dress sense. You’ve been saving for years to pay for my services because as you know I’m not cheap and now you’ve no money left. I mean, an ugly guy can at least get a somewhat average girl if he’s rich, but you don’t even have that going for you as you’ve given all your money to me. Based on everything about you, from your smell, the sound of your voice, right down to your non-existent personality, the only conclusion I can come to is that you are actually a complete and utter loser. I sent your profile to the lowest calibre of women I have on file and they actually threatened to leave my service. I set up a Tinder account for you and sat for hours, swiping right on every woman within a 100 mile radius and not one person wanted to match with you. There is literally no hope for you, you are way too much of a loser, so just accept it: you’re UNDATEABLE!